Chances Are

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At the rate we are going we could all be gone tomorrow but for the sake of everyone let's leave that discussion for several years down the road and focus instead on where we have been and where we are today. As for the time leading up to now mine has been mostly well spent but I have wasted or squandered a lot that I wish I had back. But if this were my last full day here I really have no idea about how I would spend what is left of it; no idea because I never really gave much thought to an agenda for the last one if indeed I knew when it would come. The best any of us can hope for is for spontaneity to kick in just in the knick of time! That is, that we will be able to remember all of the things we hoped we would get to do and have time to get around to doing it; whatever is most important to us, or at the very least what is most personally satisfying.

The chances are that if you are somewhere within a few decades of my age you sometimes long for the past and wish things could be like they were at a certain time in your life, and if you are something like me you know the best any of us can do is probably what we are doing to make the most of where we have come in life. The past is fine, still back there where we left it; we cannot change any of that and there isn't much about it that I would if I could. Now and tomorrow is the challenge because we still have time to work on adjustments if we think we need to. Oh sure, we all made mistakes along the way and it would be less difficult to name them than it would be to list all of the good and happy times we had and that seems a bit unfair because all of us wish we could just forget them. I wish I could remember as many details of all of my good decisions and what was going on around me when I made every one of them, if only for the sake of recalling all of the good things in life instead of just the highlights. It seems that many of us do remember our blunders and hardships with more accuracy than we do the smaller joyous things we did, but some of that balances out when we compare our bone-headed decisions with the good ones we made. After all, how miserable would we be, or how hopeless would we feel if the bad stuff trumped what was good? Thankfully, my mistakes are dwarfed by what went right for me.

Anyone who married the wrong person or didn't finish a good project when they should have knows exactly what I mean by that. Someone who may have gotten caught up in drug or alcohol abuse knows it and anyone who didn't have the patience or take the time to get to know someone a little better who might have brought them more happiness knows it as well. The chances are probably good that many of us still have time to tweak our priorities and do something we have thought about doing for years but they are even better that we won't because it is our nature to put things off when we can; some of us never run out of excuses to delay our intentions or doing things we know we want to do, especially if whatever that might be happens to lie outside of the norm. Whatever phase of our day is normal is where we find the most comfort. Some would call that exercising common sense and doing nothing to rock the boat or change what always works best for us. Being bold and taking chances in life can be daunting and it could lead to more mistakes, but it is that chance that something big and good could come from it that leaves me less skittish than some that makes me willing to test an idea or go at one full-throttle. This, from a man who is looking down the barrel of becoming 63 years old very soon.

Last year at this time, I was in the planning stage for a new book I wanted to write about the significance of an upcoming birthday that would qualify me for Social Security. My head was packed with emotions about that milestone and I was wondering then as I am now if I had done enough in my life to be satisfied that I left no stone unturned that I could have turned over. What was not in my thoughts was surrendering to the notions that I had done all I could hope to do, contrary to anything like that I believed then as I do now that I could do more and would do as much with my life or what is left of it as possible. None of what I was contemplating then was new for me because I have been doing that all along; it is why my resume is packed with various occupations and what I regard as personally satisfying achievements. I think I made it! My triumphs in life outweigh my failures and some of those failures were doozies! But it was when I did fail that gave me the most motivation to never make the same mistakes twice, even though I did make them at times. I am likely to make a few more before my final day, but I hope they are few!

In any case, I have plans for the days ahead and among them are some pretty amazing goals for a man my age. I am blessed with a desire to never become irrelevant or want anything that could be considered out of my reach or obsolete. I want one more exciting car, for example. Having been a car buff since I played with toy replicas I have already owned many; my passion is for vintage automobiles, but it wouldn't have to necessarily be an old one to get me excited about driving again or about spending a hot afternoon waxing or polishing one. Just a car that I could look at every day and feel something good about. Lately, I have been dreaming of late model Ford Mustangs but my dreams go beyond one more vehicle, and before anyone jumps to the conclusion of an old guy going through his second childhood let me asure you I have already gone through a half dozen or more of those!  I feel as if I still have something left inside of me to do that is either an extension of something I already have done or maybe just something I might have forgotten I wanted to do, or maybe it is something I have only flirted mentally with doing. When I am sure of what it is I will find every means possible to do it or I will end up disappointed again.

It wouldn't be the first time that disappointment and myself have been on a collision course; we have met many times before and when we have we found ways to simply go our separate ways. So the chances really are good that something is once again bubbling beneath the layers of whatever it is that motivates me, and whatever it is I will feel it before it becomes too late; before that last day and before the chance to act slips away for good. For anyone who has followed or is only familiar with my work as a writer, none of this should come as a surprise. For anyone who isn't it might read like wishful thinking or expressions of a lot of hot air, not unlike what we walk away with after listening to motivational speakers. I am not trying to motivate anyone here and I don't feel as if I need anyone to motivate me, I am merely documenting more of my own personal thoughts. When that next big thing does come around for me it will be just another chapter of many. Perhaps it is just one more cockpit, but hopefully it is more than just a reason to buy a few more bottles of car wax! Something lies just ahead for me and I believe it is something very personally gratifying. If I didn't think that, I would be nervously planning what I hope to do on my final day here.